It's a Long Way Up
by evenstar101
Summary: Severus wakes in the hospital wishing he was dead just to have Hermione Granger convince him that he really doesn't, promising him love and renewal. One shot based off a long fic I want to right if there is interest. Read and Review and let me know.UPDATE
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all the Harry Potter characters. Even though, I personally believe she gave up all rights Severus Snape when she killed him. She shouldn't have done that, but either way she makes all the money off him, alive or not.

**It's a Long Way Up**

Severus' mind awoke before his body did. In his unconscious state he had felt free and giddy, weightless and painless. He had visited with Lily, Dumbledore, hi s mother, even his friend Regulus. He was convinced he was dead and the thought had brought about a whimsical sense of renewal and rebirth that he had welcomed wholeheartedly. It was over; he had served his masters and was finally given peace, even if the end had been agonizing. But the arduous suffering was as short lived as his life as he slipped into the wondrous realms of unconsciousness.

In death he had been aware of his body but he could not feel it. The kinesthetic need he'd possessed on earth was blissfully absent as he moved through death with ease. Death had no smell, and the only sounds were the sweet voices of the loved ones he had lost welcoming him home. No, he was no longer in death's grip.

But this was not death. Death was not difficult, waking was difficult. He was painfully aware of his muscles but he could not move them. He couldn't even open his eyelids but he could feel the weight of them like iron blankets over his eyes. His throat was on fire and his body was chilled to the bone. Death had been temperate, not too warm, and not too cold. He could smell illness and potions all around him. The only sounds he could hear were distant sounds of voices calling to one another and the steady breathing of someone nearby. Then he heard the unmistakable sound of a page turning in a book.

With a tremendous effort he opened his eyelids slowly a fraction of an inch at a time. The light in the room pierced his irises like daggers and his breath hitched in his throat. The person near him that was turning pages closed the book with an audible thump. He could sense movement and the lights were dulled by the cloudy vision of a face looking down on him. He opened his eyes wider and slowly the face came into focus. Granger. She definitely had not existed in his realm of death.

"Professor, thank Merlin you're awake." She said reaching out a warm hand to touch his forehead. He wanted to flinch but found he did not have the energy. Her hand was soft and comforting but he could feel it. In death he felt nothing, he thought he preferred that, but the warmth of her hand was revivifying.

He continued to stare at her with his fathomless eyes. He imagined she could see his throat working as he tried to formulate words.

"You have only been out for a day and a half. If Arthur Weasley had not been bitten by the same snake the healer's would not have been able to save you."

St. Mungos. He should have known. He tried to talk again but still couldn't. She read the unasked question in his eyes.

"I stayed after you gave the memories to Harry. I extracted as much of the poison as I could and got you here. I went back to the battle to help fight. Harry defeated Voldemort. Voldemort's curse rebounded on himself and he really died this time. All the horcruxes are gone now thanks to you."

So the boy had managed to survive. Severus didn't believe it was possible, he thought that Dumbledore, doddering old fool that he was had just sent the boy to his death. But when he was dead didn't Dumbledore say something, 'It's going to be fine, the hero will survive,' or some such nonsense. Whatever it was, he was right, apparently the hero had survived, but the spy who survived had not wanted to.

After a few moments silence Severus tried to speak again. This time his voice found itself and he whispered out a very quiet and scratchy, "Why?"

Hermione stared into his eyes and felt tears swim in her own when all she was despair.

Severus spoke again, this time his voice stronger, "Why didn't you let me die?"

Hermione breathed in deeply, fighting the tears. He had _wanted _to die.

"My life was supposed to be over." He bit out in a sharp whisper. "I wanted death. I did my job expecting to die."

Hermione thought about his words, slowly regaining her composure. No, she was not going to allow him to despair in the fact that he survived. It was survivor's guilt. She would pull him through it if it was the last thing she did.

"You don't strike me as the type to be suicidal, professor. Your life was full and important, and now you are a hero."

Severus wanted to roll his eyes but his head was bursting with pain. Instead he reserved his energy to speak. "I am not a hero. I wanted to kill myself."

Severus closed his eyes again. He had just revealed to Hermione Granger the one thing he didn't have the courage to tell anyone. "I hated my life."

He remained with his eyes closed and said nothing else. Maybe she would just go away. He heard her shuffling her feet for a moment and then he felt a weight on the bed as she gently sat on the edge. She was too close, he could sense it. Opening his eyes again a crack, he saw that she was sitting with her back completely turned against him.

"I don't believe people want to kill themselves because they hate their lives." She said quietly. Severus did not reply. She was out of her damn mind if she believed that to be true. He wished he had the energy to tell her to leave and never come back. But he couldn't.

"I'm not crazy either." She said as if hearing his thoughts. "No, people who want to kill themselves love life. They despair because their life is all fucked up for them and they feel disconnected from what they loved about it. It's when you're convinced that you can't find your way back into life that you want to kill yourself. You remember when life was good and you believe that you'll never have it again. So, you want to die. You could probably even convince yourself that what Voldemort had Nagini do to you was not an act of nihilism but a mercy killing."

Severus absorbed her words allowing them to swim around in his brain. She was making sense in an abstract sort of way. Dumbledore had been good at that as well.

"You hoped you would be killed because you believe that you will never find a way back into life." She stated plainly. "And you believe that by my saving you, I took away your only chance at happiness."

She had him pegged. He did think that but now he wasn't sure he could blame her for any of it.

"I won't let you die. You have always meant more to me than you know. I would gladly have you continue to hate me forever if it meant you were alive to do so." She said turning her head to finally look at him. Her eyes were warm, but fierce and determined.

Severus wanted to know exactly what she meant by 'you have always meant more to me than you know,' but he was not about to ask.

Boldly she turned her body so that she was half facing him and took one of his hands in both of hers. He made no attempt to pull it away. "Realistically, Professor, it was not I who saved you. You came back on your own. I thought you were gone, that I was too late, you even stopped breathing, but you came back. I didn't return to the battle until you started breathing again."

So, for a moment he had been dead. The faces he had seen in death were real. Those were the faces of people he loved in life. He was disconnected from his life because the life he loved was dead, but if that was true, why wasn't he able to stay in that realm? She continued to stare into his eyes as he thought. Her gaze did not make him uncomfortable but he still had to look away. He didn't want her to see that he knew she was right.

"I wanted to jump off the astronomy tower after Dumbledore." He whispered.

"But you didn't. You took the long way down. And now the only direction to go from here again, is up." Hermione said still stroking his hand.

Severus felt his strength gathering and he could have pulled his hand away but he chose not to. He didn't want her to let go. He could feel her magic renewing him. In an act completely out of his character he wrapped his fingers around the hand against his palm and gently squeezed. She was the way back into life. They both knew it.

"Professor, it's not over. Everything is just beginning, for all of us. You can love me or hate me for it, but I am not going to let you go."

Severus looked into her warm brown eyes once more. His were black and stony for the briefest of moments and then they softened. Against his will and his better judgment, he would probably end up loving her for it.

"Good." He said. "I'm glad."

And for once, he really was.

*************************************************************************************

**A/N: This is just a one shot based off of an idea I have a longer story. I wanted to get some feelers to see if anybody would be interested in reading something like this. Please review and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all the Harry Potter characters. Even though, I personally believe she gave up all rights Severus Snape when she killed him. She shouldn't have done that, but either way she makes all the money off him, alive or not.

**Important Update! Many of you put this story on alert because you said you would like to read a full length fic based on this idea. I have started the story. It is called Stealing From Thieves and you can find it in the M section of a Hermione/Snape search, you can just visit my profile and click on it if you like to do things the easy way. The following is nothing new just a repeat of the one shot. I just posted it again so that I could stick in this update. Thanks!**

**It's a Long Way Up**

Severus' mind awoke before his body did. In his unconscious state he had felt free and giddy, weightless and painless. He had visited with Lily, Dumbledore, hi s mother, even his friend Regulus. He was convinced he was dead and the thought had brought about a whimsical sense of renewal and rebirth that he had welcomed wholeheartedly. It was over; he had served his masters and was finally given peace, even if the end had been agonizing. But the arduous suffering was as short lived as his life as he slipped into the wondrous realms of unconsciousness.

In death he had been aware of his body but he could not feel it. The kinesthetic need he'd possessed on earth was blissfully absent as he moved through death with ease. Death had no smell, and the only sounds were the sweet voices of the loved ones he had lost welcoming him home. No, he was no longer in death's grip.

But this was not death. Death was not difficult, waking was difficult. He was painfully aware of his muscles but he could not move them. He couldn't even open his eyelids but he could feel the weight of them like iron blankets over his eyes. His throat was on fire and his body was chilled to the bone. Death had been temperate, not too warm, and not too cold. He could smell illness and potions all around him. The only sounds he could hear were distant sounds of voices calling to one another and the steady breathing of someone nearby. Then he heard the unmistakable sound of a page turning in a book.

With a tremendous effort he opened his eyelids slowly a fraction of an inch at a time. The light in the room pierced his irises like daggers and his breath hitched in his throat. The person near him that was turning pages closed the book with an audible thump. He could sense movement and the lights were dulled by the cloudy vision of a face looking down on him. He opened his eyes wider and slowly the face came into focus. Granger. She definitely had not existed in his realm of death.

"Professor, thank Merlin you're awake." She said reaching out a warm hand to touch his forehead. He wanted to flinch but found he did not have the energy. Her hand was soft and comforting but he could feel it. In death he felt nothing, he thought he preferred that, but the warmth of her hand was revivifying.

He continued to stare at her with his fathomless eyes. He imagined she could see his throat working as he tried to formulate words.

"You have only been out for a day and a half. If Arthur Weasley had not been bitten by the same snake the healer's would not have been able to save you."

St. Mungos. He should have known. He tried to talk again but still couldn't. She read the unasked question in his eyes.

"I stayed after you gave the memories to Harry. I extracted as much of the poison as I could and got you here. I went back to the battle to help fight. Harry defeated Voldemort. Voldemort's curse rebounded on himself and he really died this time. All the horcruxes are gone now thanks to you."

So the boy had managed to survive. Severus didn't believe it was possible, he thought that Dumbledore, doddering old fool that he was had just sent the boy to his death. But when he was dead didn't Dumbledore say something, 'It's going to be fine, the hero will survive,' or some such nonsense. Whatever it was, he was right, apparently the hero had survived, but the spy who survived had not wanted to.

After a few moments silence Severus tried to speak again. This time his voice found itself and he whispered out a very quiet and scratchy, "Why?"

Hermione stared into his eyes and felt tears swim in her own when all she was despair.

Severus spoke again, this time his voice stronger, "Why didn't you let me die?"

Hermione breathed in deeply, fighting the tears. He had _wanted _to die.

"My life was supposed to be over." He bit out in a sharp whisper. "I wanted death. I did my job expecting to die."

Hermione thought about his words, slowly regaining her composure. No, she was not going to allow him to despair in the fact that he survived. It was survivor's guilt. She would pull him through it if it was the last thing she did.

"You don't strike me as the type to be suicidal, professor. Your life was full and important, and now you are a hero."

Severus wanted to roll his eyes but his head was bursting with pain. Instead he reserved his energy to speak. "I am not a hero. I wanted to kill myself."

Severus closed his eyes again. He had just revealed to Hermione Granger the one thing he didn't have the courage to tell anyone. "I hated my life."

He remained with his eyes closed and said nothing else. Maybe she would just go away. He heard her shuffling her feet for a moment and then he felt a weight on the bed as she gently sat on the edge. She was too close, he could sense it. Opening his eyes again a crack, he saw that she was sitting with her back completely turned against him.

"I don't believe people want to kill themselves because they hate their lives." She said quietly. Severus did not reply. She was out of her damn mind if she believed that to be true. He wished he had the energy to tell her to leave and never come back. But he couldn't.

"I'm not crazy either." She said as if hearing his thoughts. "No, people who want to kill themselves love life. They despair because their life is all fucked up for them and they feel disconnected from what they loved about it. It's when you're convinced that you can't find your way back into life that you want to kill yourself. You remember when life was good and you believe that you'll never have it again. So, you want to die. You could probably even convince yourself that what Voldemort had Nagini do to you was not an act of nihilism but a mercy killing."

Severus absorbed her words allowing them to swim around in his brain. She was making sense in an abstract sort of way. Dumbledore had been good at that as well.

"You hoped you would be killed because you believe that you will never find a way back into life." She stated plainly. "And you believe that by my saving you, I took away your only chance at happiness."

She had him pegged. He did think that but now he wasn't sure he could blame her for any of it.

"I won't let you die. You have always meant more to me than you know. I would gladly have you continue to hate me forever if it meant you were alive to do so." She said turning her head to finally look at him. Her eyes were warm, but fierce and determined.

Severus wanted to know exactly what she meant by 'you have always meant more to me than you know,' but he was not about to ask.

Boldly she turned her body so that she was half facing him and took one of his hands in both of hers. He made no attempt to pull it away. "Realistically, Professor, it was not I who saved you. You came back on your own. I thought you were gone, that I was too late, you even stopped breathing, but you came back. I didn't return to the battle until you started breathing again."

So, for a moment he had been dead. The faces he had seen in death were real. Those were the faces of people he loved in life. He was disconnected from his life because the life he loved was dead, but if that was true, why wasn't he able to stay in that realm? She continued to stare into his eyes as he thought. Her gaze did not make him uncomfortable but he still had to look away. He didn't want her to see that he knew she was right.

"I wanted to jump off the astronomy tower after Dumbledore." He whispered.

"But you didn't. You took the long way down. And now the only direction to go from here again, is up." Hermione said still stroking his hand.

Severus felt his strength gathering and he could have pulled his hand away but he chose not to. He didn't want her to let go. He could feel her magic renewing him. In an act completely out of his character he wrapped his fingers around the hand against his palm and gently squeezed. She was the way back into life. They both knew it.

"Professor, it's not over. Everything is just beginning, for all of us. You can love me or hate me for it, but I am not going to let you go."

Severus looked into her warm brown eyes once more. His were black and stony for the briefest of moments and then they softened. Against his will and his better judgment, he would probably end up loving her for it.

"Good." He said. "I'm glad."

And for once, he really was.


End file.
